Friends & Colleagues
Over the past few weeks, there has been an exceptional demand on my time imposed by a summons that I received from the Census Bureau. It informed me that as a native born United States citizen over the age of 35, I was officially obliged to serve my country by either 1) acting as juror in the Travis County Traffic Court, or 2) running for President. I chose the latter as more fun and more rewarding.
Setting up an ‘exploratory committee’ has proven unexpectedly onerous since most experienced trail guides already have signed on with other candidates. Then there is the matter of a campaign slogan. “In the Begging is the Slogan” -as my fellow Texan Karl Rove explained to me. “A Frappuccino in every cup” appealed to me but then I discovered that the copyright belongs to Howard Schultz. I thought of catchy alternatives: “Keep America Great!” “Beyond The Average.” Somehow, though, they lacked the punch to stir voters – nothing like “Change You Can Believe In.” (Obama really had a way with words). So, I came up with something more intriguing that should grab the attention of both the pointy- heads and the rednecks: “WHY NOT!"
I was confident that it would keep the commentariat engaged in feverish debates about its true meaning; thereby filling the air with mindless speculation over whether deep down I was a Moderate Republican, a blue-collar Democrat or some other as yet unidentified extinct species. I could even envisage the editors on The New York Times giving me a rapturous endorsement on the Sunday before election day. “There is much that we still don’t know about this odd-ball’s character or his plans for the nation. We judge the odds as 50-50 on whether his Presidency will leave America better off or worse off. In the final analysis, leaving it pretty much as it is seems to us to be both a more likely outcome and a more favorable prospect when compared to what the dismal crop of other candidates have on offer.”
Thus encouraged, I set out to find a top-notch political consultant. An old Washington hand referred me to a legendary figure who was the eminence gris behind some of the most stunning electoral upsets ever recorded. To this darkest of dark horses, the gentleman seemed to be just the sort of adviser whom I desperately needed. My upbeat mood was soon to be punctured. Calling what I was told was the legend’s direct line, I received this recorded message:
“Thank you for calling Mission Impossible Associates. Your candidacy is very important to us. It will be dealt with in the order received. The heavy seasonal demand for our services has led to unusually high call volume. If you prefer not to hold, please leave your name and contact information and we will get back to you before Super Tuesday. Alternately, you can visit us at www.missimp@yahoo.com“
My electoral outlook was instantly looking dimmer . Still, I felt the urge to persevere – encouraged by a review of the competition. At least I know better than did the Veep who used the occasion of an outdoor assembly in Seoul to reaffirm the deep, fraternal ties between the United States and NORTH Korea. (Although she may just have a better fix on voter sentiment in the Pyongyang suburbs than I do).
IN the end, though, I abandoned this fanciful project of self-reinvention on the stump. The final straw was CNN’s rejection of my appeal for them to organize a Town Hall Meeting where I could introduce myself to America. So the idea now is relegated to the dustbin of blasted dreams. In compensation for this dereliction, I have chosen to render service by inscribing Ten Commandments for those brave enough to enter the ring.
Cheers
Michael Brenner
10 COMMANDMENTS
SUPPLEMENTAL ADVISORIES
| 10:16 AM (3 hours ago) | ||