Mandel Ngan/AFP via Getty Images
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Now
in the final stages of choosing a running mate, Donald J. Trump is
screening potential picks for any troubling signs of self-esteem, a
campaign staffer confirmed on Tuesday.
“In terms
of a total lack of self-worth, Mike Pence set the bar pretty high,” the
staffer said. “If he had been willing to violate the Constitution he
would’ve been a keeper.”
According to the staffer,
Sen. J.D. Vance of Ohio made a fatal error in a recent grilling session
when he accidentally used the word “I” in Trump’s presence.
“That indicated that he might have an identity of his own apart from Trump,” the staffer said. “Sadly, I think J.D.’s toast.”
As the field narrows, Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida appears to be leading in the self-debasement sweepstakes.
“Trump
insulted Rubio relentlessly in 2016 by calling him ‘Little Marco,’ and
yet the senator is still desperate to be chosen,” the staffer says. “If
he has even a shred of dignity, he’s done an amazing of job hiding it.”