PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—A campaign aide confirmed on Thursday that every candidate who wants to be Donald J. Trump’s running mate must also pledge to be his cellmate. J.D. Vance, Doug Burgum, and Marco Rubio have all committed to joining Trump in prison, with Senator Rubio expressing unbridled enthusiasm at the prospect. “Whether we’re breaking rocks or picking up trash by the highway, it will be an honor to be chained to the greatest president this country has ever known,” the senator said. But Rubio may not get his wish, the aide cautioned, if Trump decides he wants a VP with prison experience. The aide said that Trump has a lengthy roster of associates who either have been in prison, like Peter Navarro and the QAnon Shaman, or might be headed there, like Rudy Giuliani and Clarence Thomas. “He’s willing to share a prison cell with any of the criminals he’s worked with,” the aide said, “except Bannon, obviously.” |