Sorry, Greenland. You had your shot. Now it’s Canada’s turn. Donald Trump, taking a page from his classic playbook (though playbook might be too generous; it’s more like a brochure), is once again threatening to annex a peaceful neighbor for unclear reasons.
Opinion
Alexandra Petri Theh Washington Post
I’m not afraid to say it: Annexing Canada is not a good idea
Trump is back to his old foreign policy ploys. But he should leave Canada be.
December 4, 2024
Yup, the Trump times are back. Once again, our foreign policy is: Please Tell Me This Is a Joke.
While I enjoyed the anxious flittering of Trump’s posse that followed, (“Brilliant idea, sir! But have you considered that if we added Canada as a state, it would be too liberal?” “That’s fine. We will make it two states!”), I, for one, am not afraid to say: I don’t think annexing Canada is a good idea.
You know, we have norms for a reason, and I think the norm of not invading our northern neighbor is a good one. Also, I remember the War of 1812 — well, not personally, but I read about it — and what I took from it is that we should not get into unprovoked fights with Canada, at least not if we like the way our White House is currently decorated.
It is not just the idea of invading Canada that bothers me, although it does, especially since winter is coming. Do we remember what happened to Napoleon when winter arrived and he tried to invade a little place I like to call “Europe’s Canada”? It didn’t go well for him! And Russia did not even have hostile, dedicated geese, the way Canada does. Have you ever been on bad terms with a Canada goose? It isn’t safe. They will do to our whole country what they have already done to our country’s golf courses.
I know that Donald Trump thinks that precedents like that don’t apply to him because he is taller, or tanner, or something, or that he is immune to history because he refuses to read and just gets all his facts from Steve Bannon whispering into his ear in a sinister fashion, but that’s not how history works.
I also think that, once we annex Canada, we would have no idea what to do with it. We’d be out of our depth in so many ways. First, it would make the country a weird shape and ruin all the maps. Also Alaska, which likes its space, would be stressed out to find itself suddenly coterminous with the rest of the United States. We should leave Alaska be; it’s full of bears.
Third, we would have to change the flag, and altering the flag in any way would distress and anger Martha-Ann Alito. I do not want to get on her bad side. Every time that happens, we lose a right.
Fourth, everyone in Canada expects actual health care and a social safety net that we are ill-equipped to provide. Fifth, if Toronto actually became part of this country, we would have to stop telling moviegoers that it was New York City and filming everything there. Sixth, it would introduce a confusing new type of bagel to the bagel ecosystem that competes against our native bagels. Finally, perhaps most ominously, it would remove any last smidgen of doubt that Ted Cruz is eligible to run for president.
I know that there would be some upsides. Poutine! Mounties! A Northwest passage! Everyone who speaks high-school-level French would perk up at the thought of Quebec becoming a whole Francophone addition to our north. (Unfortunately, they speak Québécois French, so our French would be completely useless there.)
And, yes, we would gain Celine Dion. But we would also gain Drake. Also, expanding in this sudden, aggressive way might make Russia feel nervous that it was next.
But fundamentally, I think this sets a bad precedent. We cannot just go around threatening to annex every country that says Donald Trump’s economic ideas are bad. If we do that, we will be at war with the whole world: not just trade war, actual war. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.
@petridishes