Expanding Our Two-Factor Authentication System
Our two-factor authentication system is expanding because text messages and e-mailed codes are becoming less secure. Also, we’re committed to making sure your log-in process is more of a hassle than it needs to be. We are certain that these new ways of confirming your identity will deny unauthorized users access to your account. And, if you can’t fulfill these authentication requirements, your account will be locked. However, the glass is half full, because if you’re locked out of your account the hackers are, too. Here are the other ways you’ll soon be able to verify your identity:
Knock on the Door
Nothing
proves that it’s you like seeing you. We will send a representative to
your home and he or she will knock twice. Once you open the door, you
will have to show your driver’s license and the electronic device you
used to log in. If you don’t answer within thirty seconds, we will have
to send another representative to your home to knock (twice) on your
door for verification. That could take anywhere from ten minutes to four
hours, depending on traffic.
DNA Test
Our
top priority is making sure nobody gets into your account. Hence, we
will locate your biological grandparents, test them, and then compare
their DNA with yours. If everything checks out once we get the results,
in two to four weeks, we will allow you to safely log in to your
account.
Name That Song
We’re
aware that you love music trivia. To protect your account, we’ll e-mail
you obscure song lyrics. You will have forty seconds to type the correct
title, artist, and name of the album that the song is from.
Blimp
Your
privacy is important to us. That’s why we’re flying a company blimp
over your current location. The blimp will be trailing a banner, which
will be printed with a ten-digit code. It’s a phone number. Type that
number into your phone and call it. A customer-service representative
will answer and ask you to verify the color of the blimp. Please be
specific; “red” won’t be enough. We’re looking for an answer like
“pomegranate” or “crimson.”
Presidential Physical Fitness Test
The
best way to validate your account is by testing your physical vitality.
We have obtained your Presidential Physical Fitness Test results from
your middle-school gym teacher, Mr. Conley. You’ll report to your
middle-school gym and perform the same exercises. In order for us to
confirm your identity, your time for the mile must be comparable to the
lacklustre mile you completed as a teen-ager.
Card Trick
We
have a roster of certified magicians who are equipped to prove your
identity. One will appear at your home with a deck of cards. The
magician will ask you to pick a card, then he will shuffle the deck,
select a card, and ask you if that’s your card. If it is your card, you
will be granted access to your account.
A “Succession” Character Quiz
Your
account has never been safer since we added our “Succession” character
quiz feature. You take the online quiz, and we’ll tell you which
“Succession” character you are. We will grant you access to your account
only if you end up being one of the characters we like, so choose your
answers wisely.
Lie-Detector Test
We
like honesty, and hackers are liars. To prove that you’re not a
hacker/liar, we will ask you to submit to a polygraph. Don’t be nervous,
just answer the questions truthfully so we can prove that you are in
fact the owner of this Dunkin’ Rewards account. ♦