DOHA, QATAR (The Borowitz Report)—Last week Qatar inked a historic agreement to acquire a president of the United States, Emir Tamim bin Hamad al Thani confirmed on Monday. But even as Qatar touted the acquisition, critics argued that the president it bought was in poor condition and not fully functional. Additionally, the critics noted, he was preowned, having previously been purchased by Vladimir Putin, Elon Musk, and dozens of others. For his part, the emir brushed off such criticism, telling reporters, “He can’t possibly be worth less than that shitty old 747.” Last Chance to Save 40% on a paid TBR Subscription—and Vote for America’s Top Traitor!Voting is now underway to choose America’s Top Traitor—and to maximize voter turnout, annual paid TBR subscriptions are on sale for 40% off! Offer ends Tuesday at 7 AM Eastern—go for it!© 2025 Andy Borowitz |