WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unscrupulous Russian man has lured a confused septuagenarian to Alaska in an apparent elder scam, concerned associates of the old man reported on Thursday. According to those associates, the Russian has posed as a friend of his geriatric mark in order to take advantage of him in the remote, icy setting. “This poor, addled codger isn’t playing with a full deck and hasn’t for some time,” one associate said. “We’re afraid that the Russian will trick him into signing something away.” The situation is particularly troubling, the associate said, because “he’s a feeble old man who likes to wander around on top of buildings, and the Russian likes pushing people off them.” What the Corporate Media Won’t Tell You About Trump’s DementiaThe Borowitz Report is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. © 2025 Andy Borowitz |