WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Complicating Donald J. Trump’s plan to send troops to Chicago, on Tuesday thousands of National Guard members called in sick with bone spurs. The White House was plunged into chaos after receiving over seven thousand notes from guardsmen’s podiatrists, sources said. At the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed that he would get to the bottom of the bone spurs epidemic by enlisting the nation’s finest medical minds, including Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil. “A sudden outbreak of this size is very suspicious,” Kennedy told reporters. “The most likely culprits are COVID-19 vaccinations.” An Autocracy Expert Predicts Trump’s DownfallIt’s not looking good for America’s senile wannabe Mussolini, as the acclaimed author Ruth Ben-Ghiat explains here.The Borowitz Report is an independent, non-corporate publication supported only by its readers. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. © 2025 Andy Borowitz |