LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—On Friday Prince Andrew announced that he was moving to America, hailing it as “a country whose government protects pedophiles.” “My bags are packed for Washington, D.C.,” the disgraced royal told reporters at Heathrow airport. “If you’re a pedophile, it’s a sanctuary city.” “If the federal government has a list of pedophiles—poof—it vanishes into thin air,” he said. “And I’m told there’s a chap named Mike Johnson whose entire job is to protect blokes like me.” Despite such lavish praise, the Trump administration gave the news of Andrew’s relocation a chilly response. “President Trump has never met Prince Andrew,” said newly-appointed White House press secretary George Santos. Come to My Virtual No Kings Event!To bring together the entire TBR community, I’m hosting a special No Kings live chat on Saturday. It’ll be a chance to share our observations and stories throughout this historic day and connect with each other in solidarity, defiance, and hope.To enable as many people as possible to join the chat, I’m slashing the price of annual TBR paid subscriptions by 40% through Saturday.40% Off Annual TBR Subscription For only $30 a year, you’ll get all the benefits of a paid subscription: not just live chats like the one on Saturday, but all the premium Sunday posts, every episode of my podcast, and—best of all—the ability to leave and read comments on every column. Join our community! ♥️© 2025 Andy Borowitz |