ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that sent liquor prices soaring on global markets, on Thursday Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the seizure of a Sottish tanker carrying single-malt whiskey. “Despite my repeated demands, the tanker refused to deliver its cargo to me,” Hegseth said. “You can ask anyone who knows me: Pete Hegseth will not be cut off.” Hegseth, who ordered the seizure via a late-night Signal text riddled with typos, said he hoped his action would deter other shippers who dare to threaten his alcohol supply. “The seizure of this tanker sends a clear message,” he said. “If anything is going to be loaded with whiskey, it’s me.” The Borowitz Report has been published since 2001, thanks to the support of readers like you. © 2025 Andy Borowitz |