WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold move to staunch the exodus of audiences from his renamed Kennedy Center, on Thursday Donald J. Trump announced that he was cutting ticket prices 5000 percent.
Trump announced the discount while wearing a sandwich board outside the once-fabled performing arts venue.
“Affordability is a Democrat hoax,” he told passersby. “Tickets to the Trump Kennedy Center have never been cheaper. In fact, we’re paying people to go.”
In what some observers called a desperation move, Trump offered Venezuelan drug traffickers U.S. citizenship to become seat fillers.
… and as long as we’re renaming things:
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM TBR!
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