MUNICH (The Borowitz Report)—In a joint communiqué issued at the close of the Munich Security Conference, European leaders declared US Secretary of State Marco Rubio a “slightly smaller asshole” than last year’s American speaker, Vice President JD Vance. “Make no mistake, everyone here thought Marco was a ginormous dick,” French President Emmanuel Macron told reporters. “But JD was still worse.” According to White House sources, Rubio was “shattered” that he had failed to equal the room-clearing toxicity of Vance’s performance. “Despite his best efforts, Marco has yet to prove that he is a flaming enough asshole to be Trump’s heir apparent,” one source said. “JD has set the bar very, very high.” TBR Exclusive: Will Pam Bondi Go to Prison?© 2026 Andy Borowitz |