WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an announcement that raised eyebrows among political observers, the White House announced on Tuesday that, after redactions, Donald J. Trump’s State of the Union Address would be only seventeen seconds long. Trump’s original text of the speech had included lengthy praise of such prominent administration figures as Elon Musk, Howard Lutnick, RFK Jr., and Dr. Oz, all of which had to be redacted “for undisclosed reasons,” the White House indicated. In order to bulk the speech up to its seventeen-second runtime, Trump reportedly added the non sequitur “Thank you for your attention to this matter” to the end. News of the speech’s length drew a strongly negative reaction in a new poll, with a broad majority of Americans calling seventeen seconds “too long.” TBR Exclusive: The Child Rape Accusations Against Trump That Won’t Go AwayThe Borowitz Report is published thanks to the generous support of its readers. © 2026 Andy Borowitz |