WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump on Wednesday blamed the Republican defeat in his home district in Florida on election officials’ failure to count the fifteen thousand ballots he mailed in. “I had Eric, Don Jr., JD, and Little Marco shove ballots into every mailbox in Washington,” he said. “The fact that we still didn’t win is proof that voting by mail doesn’t work.” He complained that “now I’m going to have to spend valuable time calling up the Florida Secretary of State and telling him to find me more votes.” “This should never be allowed to happen in this country,” he said. “I have more important things to do with my time, like insider trading.” Join TBR Community on No Kings Day!As we take to the streets Saturday, join me and TBR community members from around the world for an all-day live chat. If you’re not already a community member, this is a great time to join.The chat will begin early in the morning and will remain open throughout the day. Share your No Kings stories—and I’ll post some of the most memorable ones on Sunday.© 2026 Andy Borowitz |