WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had “extremely high” levels of estrogen. According to those familiar with the test results, Hegseth’s estrogen count would place him in the 99th percentile of all women. Mascara streaking down his cheeks, Hegseth howled in protest, claiming that the blood test “reeked of DEI.” “I wasn’t surprised by his reaction,” said the doctor who administered the test. “It’s that time of the month.” |