WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump Jr. said on Tuesday that he “deeply regrets” splitting with Kimberly Guilfoyle now that she has been revealed to be a world-class grifter.
“When Kimberly and I were together, I worried that we didn’t have enough in common,” Trump said. “But now that I see she was using her proximity to power for financial gain, I realize I was very wrong.”
Trump said that, knowing that Ms. Guilfoyle and he could have been engaged in joint bribery, kickback, and crypto schemes, “I’m tortured by thoughts of what might have been.”
“A Russian oligarch paid for my wedding,” he said. “But if I’d married Kimberly, I’ll bet she could have gotten him to cough up a yacht.”